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Feb. 3rd, 2008 02:03 pmFirst, very lovely birthday wishes to ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
vierge_en_trop!
Second, my chili was tasty and while it wasn't a winner, I heard a whole bunch of compliments. Venison was totally the way to go.
Third, I have got to figure out a way to work through this social anxiety business. When I'm dating someone, that person usually acts as my guaranteed conversation partner and overall safeguard against social awkwardness. But being single and going places alone where I will probably have to talk to people I haven't yet met... it scares the shit out of me. Last night, for a couple of hours before the cookoff, I was a crazy person.
I changed three times before settling on an outfit. To rule out the outfits I didn't end up wearing, I actually set up a mirror and sat down in a chair in front of it so I could see how I looked when I sat, because I figured I'd be doing a lot of that. My bangs were freaking me out, I was obsessing harder than usual over my lack of hips (it's a staticky time of year; if things cling, it's so obvious), I ladeled liquid out of my chili before deciding it needed to be wetter after all, I panicked when I realized I had bought kidney beans instead of pinto beans (there was an alarm in my head, "the beans are too sweet! too sweet!") At least twenty times on the drive to Philly, I envisioned worse case scenarios of stupid things I might say, or various faux pas I might commit. And even though I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a chronic over-dresser, and had even made up my mind to not worry about it anymore, I was having a private little angsty moment when I realized almost everyone else was wearing jeans. Even though two people said kind things about liking my dress!
Another thing. My mind doesn't work as quickly when it's full of worry. I either misunderstand things that are being said to me* or take a really long time to think of how to participate in witty chitchat. When I'm relaxed, it's no issue. But the anxiety crap creates traffic on the quick neural pathways, so all the clever or even regular things I have to say end up taking the scenic route. Major delay.
I would like to be able to get over that stuff, and without medication. Or social lubrication (read: alchohol). Perhaps I can think of some calming and encouraging things to do before facing social situations alone. Or figure out other methods of exorcising all that static in my worrying little head. It would be nice.
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*The worst case of this was when I went to a kinky event on a date with someone. They left my vicinity to talk to a friend, and I was attempted to chat with a person I'd just met. They said something about their Mommy and Daddy having left town earlier that day, after a week-long stay. And I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something about how seeing one's parents can be great but didn't they agree that it could get tiresome after a while? Immediately after the words left my mouth, I realized they were talking about their non-biological, D/s Mommy and Daddy, not their actual parents. The person corrected me, while looking at me as if they suspected me of being a little bit dumb and quite ignorant. And of course, the scenario was on repeat in my head all night.
vierge_en_trop!Second, my chili was tasty and while it wasn't a winner, I heard a whole bunch of compliments. Venison was totally the way to go.
Third, I have got to figure out a way to work through this social anxiety business. When I'm dating someone, that person usually acts as my guaranteed conversation partner and overall safeguard against social awkwardness. But being single and going places alone where I will probably have to talk to people I haven't yet met... it scares the shit out of me. Last night, for a couple of hours before the cookoff, I was a crazy person.
I changed three times before settling on an outfit. To rule out the outfits I didn't end up wearing, I actually set up a mirror and sat down in a chair in front of it so I could see how I looked when I sat, because I figured I'd be doing a lot of that. My bangs were freaking me out, I was obsessing harder than usual over my lack of hips (it's a staticky time of year; if things cling, it's so obvious), I ladeled liquid out of my chili before deciding it needed to be wetter after all, I panicked when I realized I had bought kidney beans instead of pinto beans (there was an alarm in my head, "the beans are too sweet! too sweet!") At least twenty times on the drive to Philly, I envisioned worse case scenarios of stupid things I might say, or various faux pas I might commit. And even though I've come to terms with the fact that I'm a chronic over-dresser, and had even made up my mind to not worry about it anymore, I was having a private little angsty moment when I realized almost everyone else was wearing jeans. Even though two people said kind things about liking my dress!
Another thing. My mind doesn't work as quickly when it's full of worry. I either misunderstand things that are being said to me* or take a really long time to think of how to participate in witty chitchat. When I'm relaxed, it's no issue. But the anxiety crap creates traffic on the quick neural pathways, so all the clever or even regular things I have to say end up taking the scenic route. Major delay.
I would like to be able to get over that stuff, and without medication. Or social lubrication (read: alchohol). Perhaps I can think of some calming and encouraging things to do before facing social situations alone. Or figure out other methods of exorcising all that static in my worrying little head. It would be nice.
*The worst case of this was when I went to a kinky event on a date with someone. They left my vicinity to talk to a friend, and I was attempted to chat with a person I'd just met. They said something about their Mommy and Daddy having left town earlier that day, after a week-long stay. And I can't remember exactly what I said, but it was something about how seeing one's parents can be great but didn't they agree that it could get tiresome after a while? Immediately after the words left my mouth, I realized they were talking about their non-biological, D/s Mommy and Daddy, not their actual parents. The person corrected me, while looking at me as if they suspected me of being a little bit dumb and quite ignorant. And of course, the scenario was on repeat in my head all night.
