i'm sure it's been said in the finer print

I wrote the following entry a month ago and forgot to post it. It's not 100% accurate to how I feel at the moment, but it's an important snapshot of first feelings on the subject.

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So, we've been discussing an approach and a timeline for coming out to certain people about being poly. Most of our Portland friends and some of our coworkers already know. The main reasons for letting anyone else in on this knowledge are as follows:

1) Keeping non-monogamy a secret makes it seem like we KNOW we're doing something wrong or shameful, when it's an informed choice that all parties have agreed to. We need to ditch the stigma and legitimize our other partnerships. (This will mean a lot to Treasure, and will probably mean next to nothing to Brian, who doesn't seem to be interested in the social conventions of sharing much about his relationships in public forums.) We are also nervous that someone will pick up on something via social media or see us out with out other partners and jump to the conclusion that one of us is cheating on the other.

2) I would like to be able to talk to other people about our experiences with non-monogamy. Right now, I can talk to Drew about Brian, I can talk to Brian about Drew (but don't really, as Brian doesn't really ask questions about other aspects of my life that don't include him or his interests), and I can vent about things on this semi-private platform. Also, I know one other poly couple well enough to talk about relationship stuff. And more recently, I've talked about it with a friend I'm getting closer to. But mainly I want to he able to call my mom when I'm stressing, or even when I'm just happy and excited about some new development.

Any other reasons I can think of seem to fall under those two main categories.

Concerns or roadblocks include the fact that I don't want anyone in our immediate families to think that this means Drew and I are LESS serious or committed or in love with one another. I don't want them to think it invalidates our marriage or our relationship. Some of the approval of our union was hard won, with various family members debating how real or right our marriage was because of queer stuff or trans stuff or interracial stuff.

I'm hesitant to introduce more worry into my mom's already anxious mind.

Telling people also seems to solidify the end of an era, which I find myself mourning sometimes. The era of Jackie and Drew against the world.

So, I need to make an update of non-monogamy stuff and my feelings.

Speaking of feelings, I'm trying to figure out the best way to both honor my feelings (as opposed to suppressing them) AND keep my feelings from taking up so much space in a situation or conversation that they become the theme of the situation or conversation, instead of the thing that's happening or being discussed. Actually, I feel like I've made some important progress in this direction, especially when I realize that I feel two sets of seemingly opposed feelings. Having some positive and some negative initial feelings about something is a somewhat grounding experience, I think. Does that make sense? Seeing the good of something helps me more calmly consider the reasons that I also feel unhappy about it.

Anyway. I'm trying to figure out how far back I need to go to start this update. I just looked at previous entries for a point of reference.

So, okay. I was feeling stressed as fuck in February, because, to be totally honest, I was taxed to the max and had been since the previous summer. Quick recap time. I had felt rushed by Drew to jump back into poly life, he was kind of a dick about it and did not feel compelled to wait for me to be comfortable with it. October was Alone Month (good as an idea, not very fair in reality) and it caught us right as Drew and Treasure were falling in love. Also, we were broke. Drew was pouring most of his energy into the NRE (new relationship energy) that he was feeling with Treasure. He was asking me for several exceptions to boundaries we had set. We moved. Life improved. But THEN the election, the fallout with my dad, begrudgingly sharing my holidays with a metamour, Drew's request to do food projects with Treasure that would jeopardize our Sundays (after all our discussion, this never came to fruition), and lending Treasure money. Things stabilized a bit after that.

Spring came and seemed to balance things out. Drew had a lot of bad family news, though. I went through a very unhappy couple of weeks with Brian over how often we get to see each other, for how long, the fact that I am always hosting, and the ways that our relationship might change once I'm pregnant or have a kid. We came to agreements on some things and other things I was like, "Whoa. I can't control the future. Let's just deal with that when it's actually on the horizon, and not halfway around the world from now."

About a month ago, I told Drew that we should arrange another hangout between Treasure and him and me, because a roadblock to compersion was that I was only getting to experience Treasure as a net negative in my life. Less time with my husband, the cause of many challenges to my boundaries, etc. When we've hung out in the past, we've all had a lovely time and I leave with a lingering feeling of goodwill and a desire to invest in the success of their relationship. He agreed that this was a good idea.

And then some shit hit the fan.

JD and his girlfriend were visiting. We'd had a bunch of great times adventuring as a group of 3 or 4, depending on whether Drew had to work or not. Drew wasn't going to see Treasure while we had house guests (I'm not out to any family about being poly yet), but they were still texting each other. Sunday afternoon, we were driving back from Mt. Hood when Drew got really agitated after looking at his phone. It took a while for us to have enough privacy for him to tell me the deal, but basically Treasure had said, "I need to tell you something Tuesday." And, as I'm sure she suspected, Drew was not going to be able to handle the ambiguity for two whole days, so he badgered her to spill the tea via text. The tea was that Treasure had slept with someone on Friday. "But y'all are poly, so what the issue?" The issue is that they were in the middle of coming up with their own non-monogamy contract and had not set boundaries yet and a bit of mutual jealousy had kept them from actually giving the okay for them to engage with anyone not part of already established relationships. So, it was not really cheating, per se, but it was a betrayal. Drew was hurt and angry. I won't go into a lot of detail, but he became totally unable to participate in the rest of my brother's visit. And that, in turn, kept me from being present during the last day and a half of my brother's stay. I was constantly in my phone, checking on Drew, who was having a meltdown. So, rightly or not, I feel like Treasure stole from me.

We are all human and prone to mistakes, but I was mad as fuck that Treasure couldn't have waited a couple of days to get the okay to pursue this other person OR AT LEAST brought up the indiscretion at their scheduled Tuesday hang instead of hinting at it while she knew Drew wasn't available to come over and talk about it. I hadn't seen my brother for a year and a half, and I couldn't fully inhabit the last quarter of his trip. Also, this thing. I cheated on Drew when we were young. It took a long time for him to get over trust issues that caused for him. I wanted validation more than anything when I was a young queer, and I saw sex as a way to be seen and affirmed, and so I hurt a couple of people that I loved by betraying their trust to feel good about myself. And later, I grew up. Not that monogamy was growing up, but being able to honor the parameters and boundaries of a relationship, whatever they may be. So when we got married, I told Drew that I felt glad in the knowledge that he'd never be hurt in that way again. But I have no power over how other partners treat him, and that's a hard reality to deal with.

After JD left, Drew and Treasure talked. They finished their relationship contract and Treasure essentially said, "Okay, good, because I have a date tomorrow." Drew felt rushed into something he wasn't comfortable with (sound familiar?). Other questionable things were said and done. They decided to take a couple of weeks apart to sort out their feelings. Treasure spent most of it with this new person, and we spent some of it in Delaware. Between the loss of his cousin, the poor health of his brother, and the pain of his girlfriend's betrayal and continued involvement with the other party, Drew went through the wringer. But he came out of it on the other side with a LOT of perspective. Unexpectedly, Drew said to me, "I owe you many apologies. For many things. I'm sorry that it's taken going through this to realize that I neglected and hurt you, but I am going to make it up to you somehow."

WOW.

I don't think I was prepared for the relief of validation that came crashing down on me then. I feel like I've finally been given permission to speak of or even acknowledge hurt I've experienced over the last several months. Drew is recognizing the lack of balance in his life, and how he gave nearly everything to the instant gratification of NRE, instead of looking at the long game and giving equal attention to our relationship, his friendships, his career, and his physical health. We've had so much excellent conversation since that realization, and I see his new self-awareness being put into action. My main issue now is that it's much easier to forgive someone who has hurt you than it is to forgive someone who has hurt someone you love, even if your loved one has already reach the point of forgiveness.

I want to make it clear how unbiased I was during Drew's fallout with Treasure. He would tell me something he was upset about, and I'd make a point about how he might have contributed to the issue or how Treasure might have had a hard time being open about her feelings because he can be difficult to talk to. But then he would talk about things being his fault and I would draw attention to better ways that Treasure could have handled herself or reasons that her arguments were flimsy. I was playing devil's advocate for both devils, I guess. Now that their relationship is on the mend, though, I have periods where my heart is like, "Fuck this person. Why does she get to be in Drew's good graces again?" My brain meanwhile says, "I'm happy that they are able to reconcile. Things will be much better now. They both deserve happiness." And it seems more important than ever that we have some kind of positive group hangout, but I'm not very excited about it.

So, basically, my newest poly challenge is forgiving someone who has hurt my partner, even after my partner has already forgiven them. Oh life.

Making the move to Dreamwidth. Keeping my name, mostly because it wasn't taken. Not that I think I'm particularly subversive these days... there's just something nice about continuity.

See you there if you're there.

We got our (very belated) 2nd anniversary tattoos yesterday! Each year, we're going with a theme as opposed to getting matching tattoos, since our styles are so different. In 2013, it was waves. For 2014, bees. We are going to Vegas in October for our 3rd anniversary, so maybe our next theme will be Vegas-y or desert-y? Anyway, here are the bees:



And one of Drew getting worked on by the amazing Abby:



Also, Drew finally realized that I SORT OF lovingly conned him into being okay with me getting lots of tattoos in the years to come. He has expressed many times that he likes my current tattoos, but doesn't want to see me covered in them. Being the person I am, I have always been like, "That's your opinion, honey, and I respect it. However, I'm a grown woman and I do what I want." THEN, we got tattoos together for our first anniversary, on a whim, and I suggested that we do it every year for the rest of time. He agreed, and then yesterday marveled at my sentimental cunning. "Smart woman," said Abby.

I still get the very occasional email from my former best friend, Elliott. For a while after our ugly fallout, I would have a dream about him the night before one of these emails would arrive. It was eerie. That kind of thing doesn't really happen anymore, which is somewhat of a relief. I respond to his infrequent emails, which mostly contain talk of major life events, book and music recommendations, and rarely, mentions of his wife, whom he started dating back when we were still attempting a long distance romance. It doesn't unsettle me to hear from him the way it used to, probably because I have spent a lot of time processing my yucky feelings about the friendship. I was probably never closer to any person, and probably never will be, but that's okay, because a lot of what went on between us wasn't emotionally healthy.

In list form, of course:

- Our friendship actually started on LiveJournal, on a pen pal community. When we first started chatting surprised, he sent me a lot of pictures of himself that later turned out to be not him at all. It was strange how I found out. He also talked about a good friend of his that I always suspected he had made up, and if I recall it correctly, I chatted to this friend online once or twice but never got to speak to him on the phone, and when I wanted to, their friendship suddenly ended. Elliott also told me that he had something like seven tattoos, and described them vividly, so when I met him in person a few years later, I was surprised to find that he had only one or two. Of course, he was 15 or 16 when we became friends, so maybe he was protecting his actual identity, but I never got a satisfactory explanation of the discrepancies.

- Elliott could be very critical about things that didn't fit his worldview, which isn't unusual in itself, but he would sometimes police the things I would say or do so that I would better match his image of me.  For instance, we had a phone conversation where I said the word "blunt," (the noun, not the adjective) and he insisted that I never use any kind of slang, suggesting that it made me sound trashy.  I laughed it off, but did not like the way he was so comfortable telling me what to do.

- Once I began dating other folks, Elliott started placing more and more demands on my time, wanting more phone calls and getting upset if we didn't talk every day.  I can't even guess how many times I had to apologize, reassure him that his friendship was important, and promise to be better about communicating.  Then he would say, "I don't care, do what you want," and I would feel compelled to win him over, time and again.  So often, he would make me feel like The Worst Person Ever, and yet I was still doing back bends to trying to keep him placated. Now I would sooner punch someone than let them make me feel so horrible.  (Okay, I wouldn't punch anyone, but I don't take any shit either.)

- Since the end of our friendship, there are things in his emails that continue to put me off.  Until recently, he would always have some kind of sexual remark, even if it wasn't about me.  Like, "That's what I've been doing to stay busy, and when not doing that, well, you know what boys like to do when left alone."  When you haven't corresponded in six months, how is that appropriate?

- Another thing I don't like is his apparent entitlement when it comes to my life and my things.  To be conversational, I mentioned that I had taken up quilting.  In his next email, Elliott said that he'd love to receive a quilt from me, and even sent me a list of fabrics he liked.  There was never any offer to make him a quilt, but he assumed that I would want to if he expressed interest.  No!

- And lastly, the thing that really burns me up is his need to insinuate every so often that I am being somehow controlled by my husband and am not autonomous any longer.  From his last email: "I would love to send you some mix CDs, but you probably aren't allowed to receive them."  Not only do I not want any physical mail from Elliott, but my husband is not some kind of domineering asshole, a la The Color Purple, dictating who I can see and talk to and get mail from, etc.  We are a team of equals, and we both respect the fact that we had lives before (or, like, in between) the one we built together.  We trust each other to make good decisions regarding interactions with exes and anyone else.  For Elliott to suggest that I'm in a relationship where one person makes decisions for the other is to basically call me weak or subservient.  And that I can't abide.

Anyway, I've learned a lot about what a friend IS by being shown what a friend ISN'T.  So at least there's that.

So... we're moving to Oregon in two months. I can't talk about it yet anywhere else. After all this time, LiveJournal is still my safe place to tell truths. I couldn't be more excited, or more nervous! Drew leaves in a week, and I follow him at the end of October. Everything we own is going into storage tomorrow! Please, Universe, let the culinary and library careers of our dreams be waiting for us when we arrive!

I'm turning 27 in a few minutes. I'm typing this on a phone which means I am modern and ''with it,'' finally.

Bad stuff first... I have begun to hate this house. We were robbed, the basement keeps flooding after heavy rain, Drew's dad is the oddest landlord possible, and Turkey recently decided that a litter box is for the birds and now uses a hidden storage area of the basement to do her elimination stuff. Gross. We also get mega-centipedes here. Finger length. It's creepy.

The good news is that we're moving at the end of the summer. To Middletown. Which is the middle of the nowhere that Is Delaware. I'm okay with that. I'm applying for a promotion as soon as it is posted... Library Specialist. I'll also be working part time at Frightland this fall. It's this whole haunted house and scary Halloween place that I love. My brother and mom worked there last year.

Anyway, I made cupcakes tonight. They are supposed to be sunflower cupcakes but the heat and humidity are making piping frosting impossible. Final assembly and decor may be postponed 'til I gat to work tomorrow. I do have 11 red M&M ladybugs and a bunch oF green fruit rollup leaves completed and at the ready.

Post from mobile portal m.livejournal.com

It's been a really long time since I've posted.

I'm at the ALA annual conference in Washington, DC. I am here alone and am intimidated by the exhibit hall only. I've never been very comfortable talking to people trying to sell me things. I've avoided the vendors and have mostly been down there to watch a cake being made and grab up about 12 free books from a couple of publishers.

All parts of my trip are going quite well. I'm staying in a hostel (my dad asks: "a hostile hostel?") in a room with six beds. I have four roommates at the moment. Two 17 yr olds from Connecticut and two 19 yr olds from Denmark. The Danes are awesome girls. I bought us all a pizza last night and we talked about cultural difference, of course.

I love the Metro. It is so much better than Septa (my boyfriend says: "inepta?").

Toni Morrison spoke a while ago; that was lovely.

I have visited two museums, taken three cabs, eaten softshell crab for the first time, and traveled to Georgetown for a cupcake only. It was the best cupcake ever, though, so that's worth something.

I am running out of money, which is unfortunate, since I am being reimbursed for all my expenses and will be $200 shy of my approved budget when I hit the bottom of my own pockets. When I say all my expenses, I mean those within reason. Not alcohol or parking tickets or sexual favors or anything.

My next event is a storytelling session, and then I will go back to my hostel, which is not hostile at all, and order sushi or go out for thai or something. Malaysian, perhaps?

Are you still there, and if so, what are you thinking about?

The last two years, I had little rhyming mottos to remind me of my goals...

Create in Oh Eight (creativity)
'Nancially-Fine in Oh Nine (fiscal responsibility)

I hadn't made one up for this year, but thinking about it now, I should probably go with either School Again in Two Thousand Ten, or Leave Where I've Been in Two Thousand Ten. Or both. That would be even better.

Lately, Drew and I have been talking about living in the mountains with goats and pigs and things. He'd like a pond. But he also wants to live in Atlanta. I don't want to leave one metropolitan area for another, at least not before I've seen the place and have had my mind changed somehow. I think we'll be going south for a long weekend before the ALA conference to do a whirlwind tour of places we might like to live if we decide to move somewhere together.

So, we got off to an expensive start, but Turkey is the best cat I've ever had. Or have ever known, even. She is my chatty shadow and she sleeps with me every night. She positions herself so she can put her head on my pillow and look at me. As soon as I show signs of waking, she tries to groom me with her little barbed tongue.

I adopted her, and she adopted me.